It has been long since I wrote an entry like this and it makes me reminisce on my very drastically different past. I really miss collecting my thoughts and reflecting it like this as I always did. It was one way of self-evaluation and saying things that no one listens to. I've tried but to no avail.
A full year is about to finish its course and yet here I am feeling like my life had taken a step back. Change is a constant for everybody, you either move forward or you move backward. In my case, its the latter and I don't exactly feel good about it. There is just this restraining grip haunting my once strong will and highly motivated self. Whenever chances arise, there are always excuses to push them away. Although my academic results may look excellent, there is just this void that makes me feel so withdrawn and so lousy about myself. Its like you can fly but you choose to walk to your destination instead. Its like you know you deserve to be doing better.
I feel so fruitless where I once used to make full and good use of 24 hours a day. Right now, so much time is wasted expecting things aimlessly and foolishly. Half the time spent in school is wasted doing things which are not purposeful. Pushing away responsibilities I once used to embrace so much, so much. Placing the wrong priorities in life and giving in to emotions. I screwed up. Where is the Gerald who used to be rationale and purpose driven?
Taking time to really observe and look around at everyone else, I realised there is just so much I am missing out. Looking at the different picture, the different engagement and vocation, why am I not one of them? I feel so happy and glad for so many who have found their new meaning and purpose, but yet here I am trapped in my own naive paradigm hoping for things which are seemingly bleak. I feel like a fool but yet I'm too weak to climb out of it. I'm drained and I feel like I'm just digging down deeper than I could climb out. Just how did I ended up like this?
An entirely crushed and broken inward pessimism which I thought could be suppressed by my superficially outward optimism. No, it does not work at all. Having a mask you put out for everyone would only help right at that moment. Now when everyone is gone, all of it just haunts you than you can think or imagine. Its a mental stress which I have no idea how many could understand. And trust me in this. Its never about just having achievements and hitting your targets. At the end of the day you might have everything you want but yet feel empty on the inside.
I want to bring a change in all of these. I do not want to lose out all the time and energy I still bear during my youth. I have in hands asset which I shouldn't take for granted but use it the best I can. Time to stay committed and time to rise up to the occasion once again. I have no idea how its all going to work out, but I will try. After all, willingness abounds much more than excuses.
Come on Gerald stay strong, you can do it like you have done it before!
