Its 1 week more to the start of End Of Year Exam and it seems so overwhelming to me. This time round the results will clearly path out where I'm going next year.

This week I'm quite discouraged by the comment given by my MT language teacher, kind of got shot left right center with his words. I don't exactly know what he wants, as there really are some inconsistency with his expectations. In the writing, when you add in detailed account of what happened to add more words, its like next to rubbish for him. And yet, he like writings with many words filled. He likes people who memorise the linking sentences well and maybe mock at those who doesn't. In this case, he would like to coil the term "乱写". Well, in most cases not very edifiying and makes me feel like crap when what I tried with my effort to improve turned out as a joke. I don't really like studying hard for instant gratification. If you know what I mean, its like memorising as much and working for a single test, just for the sake of the test. When its over, you tend to remember nothing and nothing gets to your head in the end. When you realised it, you would end up wasting a bulk of time. It just don't make sense.

Tuesday was my brother's enlistment date, well it would be a major transition for him. Hope he would cope with it well. Its just a new phase of life for him, nothing to really grief or dread about. Some people thought of it as though its a one way street and there's no coming back of it.

Talked with him about our family. Well, my family is kind of a cold one I would describe. Whatever things anyone is doing is doing it, will be more of out of commitment than it is of love. When something needs to be done, its because its needed and not because its a want or a desire for good. I guess my parents pretty much expects me to take care of everything in the house. Its as though the responsibility is on me than its supposed to be on them. They talk about time managing and prioritising, they said my always ending up without getting enough sleep is of poor time management. What about them? They come home late and don't really take ownership of stuff they are supposed to. Whevenever its questioned, I would get this reply " if not want you for what? ". They don't seem to get that sacrifices is ultimately needed in order for things you want to work out. Just like how do I juggle all the balls steadily? I find something less important and replace it with something more significant. In this case, sleeping would be less important for me. You don't really need long sleeping hours to have energy, a good 10 mins of power nap would be much effective. At the rate its going, its just matter of time before another hiccup. Nowadays, the term "busy-ness" is so often articulated conveniently to bypass from situation people are boxed into.

I have been really questioning to myself, whether or not I believe in eternity in our reality. If there Is a God, will it be relevant to humanity? Just like would a bug be relevant to the universe? Would a person succeed if he give in to everything of God's principles or the bible, without having a relationship, like a father and son? If yes, then it ought to be a subset of maybe a philosophy. I got one conclusion, whether or not its nothing or eternity after death , what matters is now, where we are living off. I've been a christian for some years, and now and then, I do see contridiction and irregularities in action or speech. Its perfectly fine for me, as really no one is perfect at all and I've really changed and gain alot just by integrating into the church. But I cant help questioning things, maybe its disbelief but ultimately, without disbelief there wouldn't be a need for faith or belief. Don't worry about me, although sometimes I find it pointless for quite some many things but well its a lifestyle for me now. You wouldn't understand it, I will go on and find my answers.

Three principles that really got in me is:
"People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care"
"You can give without loving, but you cant love without giving"
"Maturity doesn't come with age, it comes with the acceptance of responsibility"

And from what I've observed, "Everybody lies". White lies, poka dots or black lies, its still lies. Intentionally or unintentionally, knowing it or not knowing it, human lies. Thats because of one principle about selfishness in people, its what really keep humanity going on. You can imagine a world without selfish thoughts running all the time in people's mind or head, it doesn't work. Everthing changes and it don't make sense, at least to me. You can't fight for your own happiness without depriving someone, you would say its not true, thats because you don't know everyone in the world. By the word "fight" it already means getting something you want, doesn't matter forcefully or not.

For most people I know, I know not many feel the least comfortable talking about things like this. Some people believe in predestined fate and some people would rather get easy explanation for things they don't understand , which is accepting whatever is given. However, I do know one person, Chuan Wei if you know. Good thing is he stands for what he believes and is convinced in, he's aetheist (don't believe in God). Bad thing is he don't look into possible doubts that would make him doubt his ideas. Skeptics and scientist would be curious and eager for new ideas that had yet been proven.

Whatever it is, I might be wrong and I stick to, "if anything would matter, it would be what is now in our lifetime".